Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Shame = “A negative emotion that combines feelings of dishonour, unworthiness and embarrassment.”
I have been thinking about this word a lot recently I have a few shame issues that I am trying to work through.
When we were young we didn’t have a lot of money, which really wasn’t a problem because as a child material things don’t really matter. Because we didn’t have a lot of money we weren’t able to keep up with all the fashions and buy loads of new clothes. This meant at school that other kids would laugh at you from time to time, not a big problem because you could just beat them up. But it left me with a thing about clothes, I am not the most fashionable bloke in the world but do like nice clothes and worry about how I look a lot, I transmit this to my children and am always paranoid that we all look okay.
I had one or two issues about eating a friend of mine was very noisy eater and I used to get embarrassed for him, now I am a nightmare to eat with, I have also transmitted this to my children, I hate sloppy eating, obsessively, I have changed train carriages because someone is crunching sweets to loudly.
I also live with little things, like on my wedding day I got my hair all wrong and I look at the photos and feel embarrassed, then we lost the list of people who gave us wedding presents and we didn’t send them all thank yous it still makes me cringe thinking about it. After years loads of embarrassing incidents still knock around in my head.
I overly worry about people I know, embarrassing themselves, I am very conscious of not saying the wrong thing, this sometimes leads me to be quiet, or to over analyze what I have said. So preaching is a nightmare! I am relaxed beforehand but go through mental torment afterwards.
If I have to confront someone I go through it time and time again in my head to the point of procrastination, then it can just come out in anger and I feel shame for being angry.
I could list more stuff.......
Basically I over worry about what people think and the times when I have let them down, I feel shame.
I understand that we are no longer under any condemnation and I know it’s all in my head, it’s just surfacing more and more of late, so I am trying to get it sorted.
at 12:01 AM