Are we there yet?

Sorry for the lack of blogging, life has felt so hectic since our return, I haven't found blogging easy. I guess it's because I want to be positive and feel if I am anything but positive I would be doing a God a disservice because of all the great things he has done for us. I try to focus on Him remembering that we have jobs, we have a home, we have health, we have each other, that is all true and all so good.

Underneath all of that I am still struggling with unease, I feel unsettled, I feel a bit lost, I feel a sense of loss!

My boys have become invisible immigrants, they look British, the speak accent-less English, they dress in an appropriate manner but inside they are this international mix of Spanish, English and they are struggling. If your children aren't happy thats not so good. You have the questions that run through your mind like "Have we screwed their lives up?". I am pretty sure we haven't but it is a tape that plays out in my head!

Then we are back in our old house, our old church and it feels odd. Church is great but it's not what we are used to and if I am honest I guess we are finding it a struggle to make friends, although we are not lonely! You see thats it right there, life is full of paradoxes!

Surrounded by loads of old friends and family, yet feel lonely!
In our home that we own, yet feel like visitors!
In the land that we originate from, yet feel like foreigners!
In a church we love, yet feel like outsiders!

Our rhythms have changed, maybe we were presumptuous to feel we would settle quickly. I know people tell you it will take a while and the mistake we have made is believing that once all the external factors are in place we will be settled.

But that is failure to recognise the internal displacement we feel right now!

Are we there yet? Externally yes, Internally no.

We are not depressed, if anything we do feel blessed. I am just trying to articulate the internal battle of resettlement!

Maybe I am guilty of this myself I often look at what is going on for people externally and assume they are all good, when the deeper questions are about what is going on on the inside.

Don't get me wrong people have been asking how we are doing? but we have defaulted to saying "fine" because we really don't want to seem gloomy and we also don't want to vulnerabate in front of everyone! but here I am blogging about it, so the truth is out.

We are not there yet, but we recognise that we are on a Journey and "God is with us on the journey" and we will get there, eventually.

1000th Curious blog post!

So here we have my 1000th blog post!!!! I never thought I would write this many. I came up with the title after a friend of mine chatted about being curious and how it is a really healthy attitude to have when meeting people. Therefore Curious in Ibiza was born along with the help of Tim Hewitt who encouraged me to go for it and helped me set the original blog up. I also just like the sound of the word "curious"


So am I still curious? well I would like to think so:
I am curious about people, I find them interesting, complex, funny, inspiring and annoying all at the same time. For this reason I am curious as to how anyone can put another human in a box and try to define them, I think this is impossible.

I am still curious about Ibiza, this place has captured my heart I am curious as to why! The people, the beaches, the weather, the craziness, the mix of cultures, the administrative disorganisation, the lack of health and safety, the messiness, the west end, the driving, the noise levels, the inability to form a queue, the whole thing is frustrating, beautiful, charming and attractive.

I am curious as to why women, when told they are looking tired and pale, don't just say "I am having my period"

I am curious as to how the message of Jesus doesn't have more impact, probably the fault of the messengers not Jesus.

I am curious as to why anyone would want to wear fake tan.

I am curious about men who wear thongs, I tried Tracy's once and it hurt.

I am also curious about the Arab world, Ibiza was moorish for 500 years, I would like to explore it more, I thought Dubai was beautiful and loved the desert. I would love to be a desert nomad for a year.

I am curious about dogs, whats going on in there? Why are you so loyal? Why would I like to own another one?

I am curious about the ear hair that has started to grow out of my ears, what's that all about? If I cut it will it grow back and get bushy? Why is it grey? Will it get worse? 

I am curious about my ego, I know I have one, why do I feel the need to continually feed it? I am sure that self awareness is the key to growth which makes me curious about myself and how I tick!!

I am curious about how I will dress when I am old? When do you start choosing things just for comfort? Am I already old? 

I am curious about why on earth I would want to own a Rolex, but I do.

I am curious about God, you never seem to fully understand Him. He's a mystery.

I am curious as to why I still find Britney Spears attractive? I follow her on twitter.....



Thank you for sticking with me and reading  all my randomness.

My 13 favourite photos

I was given a camera for my 40th, I have posted loads of photos here. Thought I would post my own top 13!!!!!. Slightly egotistical I know. I have thought about getting more serious with it. If you click on the snap you can see the big version of it, they are in no particular order.

1. Loved the spider, love the idea of webs, interconnectedness, relational webs....

2. People are beautiful, even with make up! God didn't screw up when he made you.

3. Old and new, bikes and doors, I think this captures a Mediterranean vibe.

4. I like messy faith.

5. Sunsets declare His glory.

6. I like grey just as much as I like blue.

7. Although blue is more cheerful.

8. This one reminds of some lines from Dante's Inferno, the steps coming out of the ominous water:"To get back up to the shining world from there My guide and I went into that hidden tunnel, And Following its path, we took no care To rest, but climbed: he first, then I-so far, through a round aperture I saw appear Some of the beautiful things that Heaven bears, Where we came forth, and once more saw the stars."

9. Es Vedra is a beautiful granite rock, I love the shifting light, the dark the blue and the fact that the rock never moves. It speaks to me on immutability.

Same rock, almost love this photo more than the first one, although my camera hood is showing in two corners!

10. My friend Alain got married to Rachel this year, after losing his first wife, this shot reminds me of Hosea, "For he has wounded us but he will heal us"

11. I love clear blue skies and this shipwreck. Faded glory. This washed up fishing boat reminds me of some churches!

12. I enjoy lines, perspective and looking at things from different angles.

13. Heres one I think I could do better, although I love deterioration and rust.

Call of duty

This is seriously my favourite xbox360 game ever!

"what is my call of duty as a christian?"

I think this verse from the bible sums it up pretty well.

Micah 6: 7 "And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

Anybody got xbox live and fancy some online action, give me a shout.....

Can't think of a title

Been a while

In all honesty I am pretty drained from being ill. You know that kind of tired mental state that you get in after you have been properly unwell, thats how I have felt this weekend and even today.

Our work is relentless and its almost like it drags you along with it, you don't get much time to catch your breath. One team left on Friday night and then a new team from Dublin arrived on Sunday, we have just had a great night out with them but it's very quiet on Mondays. Tiesto plays at privilege which is a huge club that can take over 10,000 people so a lot of people go there which kind of empties the west end. It's good for a teams first night to be quiet, it helps them settle in.

Anyway my brain is fired, for the first time in a long time I'm finding it hard to cope with the summer rhythm, but this only because of illness. Tracy has been a bit under the weather and both are sons have also got chicken pox!!! So we all will need a holiday soon.

We're going to N.Ireland for 2 weeks in August on hols, which should be excellent, it's hardly like we need a sunny destination we like the idea of a little cloud cover and hopefully we will get it in Ireland.

Got to get over this drained feeling and get through these next 3 weeks, actually I won't get through them I'll enjoy them as always, I've just been ill.

Watched Braveheart in bed last week, still love it as a movie

I am William Wallace. And my enemies
do not go away. I saw our good nobles
hanged. My wife... I am William
Wallace. And I see a whole army of
my countrymen, here in defiance of
tyranny. You have come to fight as
free men. And free men you are! What
will you do without freedom? Will you
fight?

**VETERAN**
Two thousand, against ten? We will
run -- and live!

**WALLACE**
Yes. Fight and you may die. Run and
you will live, at least awhile. And
dying in your bed many years from
now, would you be willing to trade
all the days from this day to that,
for one chance to come back here as
young men, and tell our enemies that
they make take our lives, but they
will never take our freedom!!!

Heres our little summer long crew, these guys have come to serve for the summer and they are great.

The girls will hate this photo, but from left to right we have Clare Ison, Christine Scott, Me and James Godward. They are really making life much easier up here on the farm and they are all brilliant when it comes to the centre and the streets.

Clare is from near coventry and will be having a little break in the middle and then rejoining us until September, Christine is a nurse from N.Ireland who has taken a 6 month career break to be with us from May till October and James is here until August.

Weirdly James dad used to be my youth leader. I remember he took us all out as a youth group to Basildon when I was about 15, we were going home and one of our guys mouthed off to a drunk guy this guy thought it was me, chased me, pulled a knife on me and stabbed me in the head!!!! Russell, Jame's dad, saw it all, I can still remember him saying to the guy who pulled the knife "that isn't going to get you any where mate!" it wasn't a severe stabbing, he backed me into a corner, I banged my head on a wall, and as I jumped away from the wall his knife just clipped me in the temple! He looked more freaked out than me, so he ran off.

This was 1985, my stabber had a mullet.....

Anyway it's lovely to have all these guys here, they are a real asset.

Cathartic

Ok, so yesterdays post was cathartic thanks for all the kind messages and comments, you're all very kind to me. I couldn't find an image for cathartic so found this lovely selection of suction catheters instead......

It was a low day but I will not stay low for long, I guess it's been on and off like this for a few months but the lower days are getting further apart which is good. A lot of adjustment to life can only in the end be good for us. I love what it says in

Romans 5: 2 -5
And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

I guess as a Christian I am always wanting to grow, but I probably don't like the idea of that growth being through emotionally tough situations. I am sure I am being changed by this process but somewhere along the line in my life here I have become comfortable. Even with the desperate situations that we deal with in the west end, to tell you the truth you get used to it, it doesn't seem extraordinary it's just life and I have grown to be comfortable with it. On one level this is necessary but on another level I don't think we were ever called to be comfortable. I have become a victim of my own teaching, I have often said that I feel God wants to move us out of the comfort zone and have believed that I was out of it, but I wasn't!!!!

So here's to life on the edge, I have to embrace it, flow with it, learn to let new challenges shape me and make me. My prayer is one I heard a Jamaican preacher pray in 1990 and it's one I use a lot. "God make me the man you want me to be, not the man I want to be" got to keep praying this and expect that sometimes in His shaping of me I won't always like it.

My dad posted a very encouraging blog today which also helped me a lotRead it here

So, yes today I am refreshed by the challenge, up for it and willing to do what it takes to make it happen.

We're weird aren't we? Emotionally inconsistent beings, one day we are up for the challenge the next day we are down, one day we are happy the next we are sad! At times I wish I was a robot, but most of the time I enjoy being complex just like everybody else!

I also hope I never have to wear a catheter........

Life on a mountain

I have tossed and turned as to whether to write this blog especially with the eclectic bunch of readers that read this, but anyway “it’s better out than in!”

“Language... has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone.” Paul Tillich

There have been moments in the last 3 months where I have flitted between a sense of loneliness and solitude, this has not always been real just a feeling that creeps up on me which in reality I know isn’t true but due to a few problems we are having with communications has given me a feeling of isolation.

In isolation your mind plays tricks on you, when you can’t talk to people freely or just get hold of them easily you end up getting low because the people who you normally bounce things off and talk to are distant.

You want to talk but you don’t want to burden people, you’re sitting in a marvelous farm on the top of a mountain getting to live out your dream yet you feel unsettled and not yet comfortable. Why should I be seen to be complaining when we are very definitely living in a place that is a gift from God. I have an overwhelming undercurrent of insecurity and inadequacy threatening my emotional stability that I am suppressing with the hope it will eventually dissolve, however it only increases within me whilst my capacity to hold it at bay appears to be rapidly diminishing.

When we first left for Ibiza we played this song by U2 in the car as we drove away from our home to start a new life here, it was poignant then and is feeling equally poignant today.

I'm 'round the corner from anything that's real
I'm across the road from hope
I'm under a bridge in a rip tide
That's taken everything I call my own

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
Knowing, knowing

I'm on an island at a busy intersection
I can't go forward, I can't turn back
Can't see the future
It's getting away from me
I just watch the tail lights glowing

Please don’t mis read this as me wanting to give up or come home, after all I don’t know where home is anymore! I’m not even uber depressed I just have this underlying current of unease about being here and the future.

Give me a year when I can see it all working, the centre and the farm harmonizing in effectiveness to extend the kingdom, but right now it is just a massive adjustment.

This verse is sustaining me at this present time:

Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.

Psalm 84: 5

Brief update

I stole the photo's from Brian Houston I think it's one of my friendlier poses. It's been hard but fulfilling work, no more need for the gym or jogging, wood cutting is the way forward. I am Axe man! and I have started calling Bruce chain boy because of his expertise with a chainsaw, although he thinks I should stop calling him that as it sounds a little weird.

Still no internet, I am down at our centre and have just been getting emails but for some reason I can't reply to them from here. The guy is coming to install the internet tomorrow morning which should be great, it will be a few more weeks before we have a phone because telefonica are basically the worst telephone company in the world.

I was 39 yesterday and thank you to everyone who left a message, one more year until 40, we had steaks and wine last night of course we had vegetables and other bits and pieces but the steak and wine made it perfect, plus the single malt whiskey and Monte Cristo number 4!.

I've been sleeping well probably because pushing a wheel barrow up and down a hill is pretty close to fatal exercise but it's good for the heart.

It's been uber windy, which is great for fire wood but not so great for chimney smoke...

Anyway the views are fantastic this one is from just outside our front door......




If you have emailed me in the last few weeks and are awaiting a reply, it will come soon.

Getting ready

We have had a fantastic Christmas, it's just been the 4 of us and it's been a great family time. There are a few things you need to have if you are going to be moving onto a farm. My family bought me this lovely high powered air rifle, which will be good for keeping the vermin at bay and hopefully bag us a few rabbits for the pot. It's a gamo shadow 1000, only a 177 but it has a longer range than a 22, and a velocity of 1000 feet per second, very nice.

I also got a great t-shirt which I am wearing in the photo and a gorgeous single malt which I am drinking as I write......



The other thing you have to do is learn stuff to do with food, in October Tracy picked all these olives off our small tree in the front garden it's been a great test run for what promises to be a much larger harvest next year.



We've learnt a few things from this batch probably the most important thing is that you have to pick them just at the right time, we were a little early, but what is done is done. They actually take quite a while to prepare for eating this batch has taken two months. They are very edible we put some of my home grown chillies and a number of cloves of garlic in with this batch and they taste great. We'll make oil from them next year as well.

We have the keys to the farm and move in on 14th January..................scary

600

Today is my 600th post I've enjoyed blogging these last few years, I have had ups and downs.

Trying to work out a style, and feeling my way through various conflicts that I think most bloggers have.

Questions like: Is this boring? Am I being to personal? Is it to religious? Do people get frustrated with my bad grammar?

I am happy getting a few comments and love anonymous comments especially when they are negative!

A few times I have come close to giving it up, but at this present time I am happy with my blog.

I live on a beautiful island, have a great job, get to to travel and have some great experiences which gives me plenty to write about. I'm learning a new language, slowly, and have met some really interesting people. Blogging has even given me loads of new friends and contacts it's been great over the last few years to meet people who have read my blog, at first it's a little disconcerting as they tend to know more about me than I do them. I remember getting picked up from an airport and my driver asking me how my piles were doing? At first I just thought they were terribly perceptive and could tell by the way I gingerly edged on to my car seat, but then I realised they had read the blog!!! but I am comfortable in my own skin and comfortable with my blog.

Thanks for reading.............

Farming to do list

Thank you for all your encouraging comments about yesterdays news. I guess now is the time for the rubber to hit the road, jobs need doing and stuff needs organising. I am feeling chilled at the moment but am aware that this is Spain and there will be moments ahead when life becomes a little frustrating.

You can check out some more pics on Helen's Blog.

Some minor things I need to sort out straight away are:

a 4 x 4 vehicle and an old pick up truck!

I need to get the beautiful alloys rims on our vomit van replaced with more normal and robust tires!

Got to source a large woodburner...

We're going to start with chickens, so need to swot up on that.

Got a field of potatoes to plant.

Need to buy some orange trees.

Have to find a suitable guard dog for the premises, big, good with people but who will bark at uninvited guests...

Have to pray that our existing land lady doesn't play funny games with our deposit.

Need to source a swimming pool

A mini Tractor or a hardcore rotivator

A chain saw, and other assorted power tools.....

I need a wax coat and some wellington boots

Got a field of onions, garlic and peppers to plant

Got to get it all connected to the internet, so I can blog from the farm

I need 25,000 euros, got any spare change this Christmas?

most of all got to ensure that my boys are okay in all of this and that we preserve our cohesion as a family unit whilst living in a community house.....

A little video of summer 2008

Check this out, it's a little video that was made about our work here this summer.

I think it helps explain what we do a little better, than all my written words...........



The best bit is at the end..........

Great break

The giants causeway is a wonderful place.

You need to check out Bruce and Helens blogs for some more snaps of our times away. I can only say it was fantastic, energizing and lots of fun. The best bit was the people, generous kind warm friends who gave us the space to relax and enjoy our time.

It also provided a great breather between the end of our long summer season and the beginning of our winter season. Two very different rhythms of life and sometimes quite hard to adjust to the contrasts. We are just as busy during the winter but in a more normal everyday kind of way, there is less adrenalin and working on the edges of tiredness, but our routines keeps us very active.

I have been a sporadic blogger recently, this has been deliberate I have felt the need to regroup and get my thinking cap on again. So I guess I am back into the groove.

Someone gave us a multi gym and I bought a punch bag so I am going to try and get in good shape this winter, the aim is 14 stones or less with my weight but also a little bit of tightening up on the loose bits of my body...... I might even go swimming.

Three books that I am reading are Rob Bells, Sex God and Jesus Wants to Save Christians plus Richard J Fosters: Life with God. I am enjoying all three.

Today I am very interested in the US elections, I am a bit of an Obama fan. Obviously I am not as clued up on it all as your average american but from a european perspective he looks good to me.

The break has been good, perspective has been gained and I feel that this new season will be as exciting as the one we have just been through.

Weakness

There's something about the sun it has this ability to lighten the world but also lighten our moods. I don't suffer from SAD or anything like that, in fact I like rain and clouds possibly because I am slightly melancholic, but the sun lifts my mood.

Someone once said to me that "Self Awareness is the greatest key to growth" I agree with that on so many levels.

We need to become increasingly aware of who we are and who we are not, for me knowing what I am not has helped me incredibly.

Self awareness also should help us understand our weaknesses but not give us an excuse to continue in them. I am aware of my weaknesses, at least some of them, grace gives me plenty of excuses to keep them.

I'd like to list my weaknesses but that would be indulgent, I'd like to list my strengths but that would be arrogant. How very British!

Maybe we should remain self contained and withdrawn, only truly vulnerable to those we really trust after all if we list our strengths and weaknesses publicly they could be used against us. Although I like what Nouwen says in his book "The Wounded Healer" about making our "own wounded condition available to others as a source of healing"

One of the great things about an open honest self aware life is that it acknowledges weakness and allows others to verbalize their own weak vulnerable conditions. When I was at school we used to play a game called "You show me yours and I'll show you mine" the problem with this game is that someone has to go first! We used to ask the girls to first then renege on our side of the bargain, eventually no one wanted to play. Well I guess I have come to that stage in life were I don't mind going first it could be embarrassing others could refuse to play the game but I am happier when people know me for who I am rather than for who they think I am. If my weakness disturbs them or you then I am sorry, you're probably British.

I'd rather live my life standing on the balcony naked than behind closed doors all covered up.

Anyway just a minor rant, this post has become to long for me to list my weaknesses in detail. Heres the headlines: Selfish, prideful, lustful, arrogant, aggressive, judgmental, hard on myself, shameful, guilt ridden, short tempered, rude, inappropriate, withdrawn, sullen, etc...

Don't worry I am actually very happy the sun is shining, and His strength is perfected in my weakness.

My top tens

My top ten late night whiskey drinking, cigar smoking, laying back and chilling songs:

Lynyrd Skynyrd = Freebird
Jeff Buckley = Hallelujah
Bob Dylan = Forever Young
U2 = Hawkmoon 269
Lou Reed = Walk on the wild side
The Beatles = Hey Jude
Joan Armatrading = Love and affection
Pink Floyd = Wish you where here
Foy Vance - Gabriel and the vagabond
Johnny Cash = Hurt

My top ten wake up feeling good songs, obviously this doesn't happen if I have had a night listening to the previous list!

Nina Simone = Feeling good
The Beatles = Here comes the sun
Lionel Richie = Easy
Labi Siffre = So strong
Talking Heads = Once in a life time
Eminem = Lose yourself
U2 = Beautiful day
Willy Mason = Oxygen
Frank Sinatra = For once in my life
Simple minds = Ghost dancing

Sorry for the lack of blogging.

It's been a very busy week. We have our last team of 9 people here and they are only here for a week, they also don't have a team leader, which is fine, but means we have to be much more involved and cram a lot more in.

I am heading off to England tomorrow for 10 days, speaking in Diss on Sunday morning and then having and international leadership team meeting Sunday night - Tuesday, then a 24-7prayer roundtable from Tuesday to Thursday, then our international gathering from Friday - Sunday. I am doing about 5 different sessions so have had a lot to prepare which has been very good for me but time consuming.

The boys started school today so it was weird getting up at 7am and talking to Tracy who was just going to bed after spending the night in hospital with a drunk guy who broke his foot.

The team gave out 50 kilos of oranges today! People love this little expression of kindness.

I think I'll talk about my deeper things when I get back, although I am hoping I can still blog whilst away.

By the way do you like the photo of Tom, my friendly little dog?

Fear and trust in Ibiza.

As quickly as you can get up you can get down. Life goes well and life goes bad.

It's easy to lose focus whenever you experience something negative, it bugs me how easily a negative experience can get into your head.

We were out tonight and got asked to take a guy home to his hotel, he was drunk and his hotel was within walking distance, so Bruce and I walked him home. It started to go wrong almost straight away, he was swearing at people, real filthy swearing, using the "C" word etc... Bruce and I kept apologising to people and thankfully no one over reacted, or actually just reacted, and we got him back to his hotel.

Then as we walked him through the doors he took a full on swing at the glass and punched right through it, he was pretty badly cut and bits of the glass cut Bruce's arm. I got glass on me but no cuts which probably means I am thick skinned. He then ran towards some girls and started dripping blood near them, it was at this point we called security and they got involved. The whole incident only lasted about 30 seconds. We left him with the security guys.

It disturbed me, fear got into my head, i started to think "what on earth are we doing putting ourselves and others in this situation?" This stuck with me for a couple of hours but eventually it passed.

Fear is the opposite of faith, if fear gets into my head my trust dips. There's a lot of fear out there and I need to trust God that everything will be okay. Of course this doesn't mean hard times won't come and that we should act irresponsibly but when it's out of your hands you just have to trust. I have this thought on airplanes a lot "God I trust you that this plane is going to make it, but I also trust you if it doesn't"

I'd be lying if i told you i never got frightened by what we do, or that I never lay awake at night worrying about my wife or the teams out on the streets. I do find some of this stuff frightening in it's level of unpredictability.

Back Again

Hi, it's been a while.

We have just had a great 2 week holiday in France and then I have spent the last week getting back into the swing of things.

I will blog more over the next week, I feel refreshed, energised and completely up for the rest of the summer. After the hol I have had the usual "to blog or not to blog" angst, but I am over that now. I enjoy it to much.

Anyway more tomorrow, I have some great stories to tell

It was our 16th wedding anniversary yesterday, we are popping out to Ibiza town for a meal tonight which should be lovely. Celebrating 16 years of more ups than downs with my beautiful wife.

What's been strange is that this week we have helped quite a lot of 17 year old people, I am sitting here at 8 in the morning, the sun is shining, it's very peaceful, my children are up and life seems normal but I have just spent the last couple of hours with Dave looking after two 17 year olds in the local medical centre. They are now back at there hotels safe and sound.

I guess it makes me feel older, dealing with people who were one when I got married!

I should probably go to bed but I'm just going to sit here eat a banana, finish my mint tea, check out the BBC website and then hit the sack.

It's good to be alive and share that life with someone you love.