I'm slobbed out on the settee my bad knee has swollen up, there's a lovely breeze blowing in through the patio doors my dog is snoring and everyone else is in bed.
I took a football training session at the school today, my youngest son put his hand up during training and said "you're scary" I don't mean to intimidate the lads I just have to push them to get the best out of them.
I have this recurring worry that how I see myself is not how others see me. We all want to be true to ourselves but why is it that what other people think really influences us?
You sometimes meet people who don't appear to care what others think but I have an inkling that even that could be a show.
Often I think that you don't always get what you see when it comes to people.
You don't always get what you see with me. Why is it I am happy when out and grumpier when at home? I know we can be ourselves at home but sometimes I feel fake.
I get worried that I will be found out, I'm a christian who doesn't often feel spiritual, I'm a husband who doesn't always feel very helpful, I'm a dad who sometimes shouts at his children, I'm a friend who forgets to phone his friends.
I'm not depressed about this and recognise it as the norm for most of us, I just occasionally get fed up with paradoxical living.
Then I try to be who people want me to be and that doesn't sit very well, I'm not a chameleon and don't feel particularly complex. Yet I guess we are all complex beings and we all have slight chameleonic tendencies to change when in different surroundings, Napoleon Bonaparte said "Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man."
On a deeper and more honest level we should live as recommended by Doctor Suess said "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind"
Most of the time I am happy in my skin and am happy that people take me as they find me just as long as they don't think that what they see is all of me, it's just a part of me.
We are all more than the sum of all our parts.