Paradox and Discovery

I have been travelling loads recently but it's good now to get focussed on what we are doing here on the island.

Had a lot of time to reflect and been thinking about myself a lot, not to introspective but a little self examination.

I feel that I live in this tension I love the whole out and about preaching thing but I also don't like it. The platform appeals to me but it also scares me, the whole idea that you have this one person who stands at the front and dispenses wisdom whilst people listen! I don't like the idea of people being on a pedestal it somehow makes them look good, when in reality they are just like everybody else. So here I am up the front: someone who can't drink because he likes it to much, a nicotine addict, a grumpy person who likes the sound of his own voice and somehow I have to impart something.

It's a paradox. I know I come across as strong but I feel so weak, I come across as confident but feel like I don't really have the answers, people expect to hear from God when I speak yet I am not always convinced I hear from God! I don't feel down about this just find it frustrating. I know God likes me and that he is all I need, my faith is in a good place! I just feel this inner tension which is probably good for me.

What is it as well with the fact that I have realised that I am a really difficult person to argue with? I dominate and don't give in easy, in a group I talk to much and always have something to say about everything. Dominate opinionate! I've got to sort my head out need to change a few things in me about how I lead.

I am happy in my skin and maybe thats just the way it is with us all. We contradict ourselves constantly and are always on this journey of change, discovery and adaptation to become more of who God made us to be. Will I ever change or do I just have to learn to live with the paradoxes?