Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Today I stopped smoking

Okay, I have a chest infection I am coughing up brown lung nuts in the morning and sound like an old man who has smoked all his life.

I started when I was 17 quite late in life and have battled with it on and off for the last 19 years, I have good months but no good years. I have led a youth work and hid it from the guys, had times were i hid it from Tracy, led a church and not told anyone I was on nicorette gum. Basically it's been my dirty little secret that I felt forced to hide on and off over the last 19 years. Ibiza made me come out with it, but that hasn't helped me give up, just made me feel a little less guilty.

Two things

One: I have told people a lot that I am going to give up and then failed, so I have felt very weak and a bit of a plum.

Two: Nicotene withdrawal makes me feel really grumpy and I already struggle with this issue so I put it off so that the people in my life don't have to put up with the bad Brian that I become.

Another question: Where do I go when I smoke?

Well I mostly smoke alone, it gives me a moment to stop, reflect and just sit.
Also the moment before i light up is sometime better than smoking itself! anticipation, settling down, getting ready and then lighting up.

Well I threw my cigars out the car window today whilst listening to that Matt Redman song about the prayers of the saints being sweet smelling incense! Thats another thing smoking makes you stink, although I don't mind smelling.

I might try hypnotism if I fail this time.

In all honesty, I will have to pray more and connect with God more to get me through this, we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathise with our weaknesses.

Now I am back on the island, if my blogs are grumpy i apologise.

Please pray for me.

In the words of Freddy Mercury "I want to break free"

The last thing I want though is to become a judgemental ex smoker or anything like that. For me it is time to do this.

The worst that could happen is I fail and end up dying young of lung cancer.


Nico said...


I recall you mentioning some time ago that you wanted to give up. It's good that that time has come. It's all about breaking habits. Think about where you smoke and why? Can you change your routine so that you don't end up being tempted in the first few days? Whenever you get a craving, go and have a drink of water. Not only is it good for you but it will help you take your mind off the craving for a moment.

I realised that everything I did was dictated by smoking, when you are in a meeting, you are thinking about getting out to have a cig. When you are on the plane, you can't wait to get off a light up. When you are having a meal, you want to finish it to be able to have a smoke. Whenever you look at the where and why of it all, it seems a bit strange. You spend your life thinking about when you can next smoke instead of enjoying what it is you are doing.

Like you I had a heavy cold when I gave up and it got me through the first 3 days. I also kept a pack of cigs on my bedside table. I knew they were there and could have smoked them at any time. But I liked being able to see them and know that I wasn't going to give the the satisfaction...

Get through this week, keep up up to date. Pray. Drink water. Change your habit. Become smoke free. Just do it 1 day at a time. Don't smoke today and see how you go tomorrow.

Good luck. You will do it. I will pray for you.


indya said...

You have my prayers Brian, just take it one day at a time.

love indya

Anonymous said...

I think you are very brave and honest and I appreciate that.

Anonymous said...


Stopping smoking was the hardest this I ever did. It took me about two years to not ever crave a cigaratte again. Chances are you will go through some depression that is just a part of the process. I wish you luck. After I got done though a couple years later I am 200% times happier and have really started to feel confident in myself and what I do.

THanks. God Bless.


Eric St.Clair said...

I met you in London this past weekend. Well I think we said hello if you can call that meeting. I quit smoking about 2 years ago after smoking on and off (mostly on) for nearly 19 years. I feel your pain, and will be praying for you.


dave wiggins said...

flip me! that's honest. there are so many secret smokers who feel guilty in the christian community. i am one, except it's not much of a secret. the best part is taking five minutes and being by yourself in a hectic day. anyway brian, all the best with that.

also, you prayed with me oncein Belfast and spoke some words into my situation which came true and helped me in that same situation, so thank you.


Karen said...

brian my friend, once again your vulnerability is incredible.

Jonny said...

your ILG small-group is with you ... :)

kim said...

hi. so relieved to read this, as i am in exactly same boat. smoked since age of 12, now 38. given up about a million times, even for a year or two, but either extreme stress or extreme happiness always find me lighting up again. some folks do know, but its so indefensible to the kids, a hideous hypocrisy. i wish you strength from God, and for myself too. cheers, all the best with it, Kim