Okay, I have a chest infection I am coughing up brown lung nuts in the morning and sound like an old man who has smoked all his life.
I started when I was 17 quite late in life and have battled with it on and off for the last 19 years, I have good months but no good years. I have led a youth work and hid it from the guys, had times were i hid it from Tracy, led a church and not told anyone I was on nicorette gum. Basically it's been my dirty little secret that I felt forced to hide on and off over the last 19 years. Ibiza made me come out with it, but that hasn't helped me give up, just made me feel a little less guilty.
One: I have told people a lot that I am going to give up and then failed, so I have felt very weak and a bit of a plum.
Two: Nicotene withdrawal makes me feel really grumpy and I already struggle with this issue so I put it off so that the people in my life don't have to put up with the bad Brian that I become.
Another question: Where do I go when I smoke?
Well I mostly smoke alone, it gives me a moment to stop, reflect and just sit.
Also the moment before i light up is sometime better than smoking itself! anticipation, settling down, getting ready and then lighting up.
Well I threw my cigars out the car window today whilst listening to that Matt Redman song about the prayers of the saints being sweet smelling incense! Thats another thing smoking makes you stink, although I don't mind smelling.
I might try hypnotism if I fail this time.
In all honesty, I will have to pray more and connect with God more to get me through this, we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathise with our weaknesses.
Now I am back on the island, if my blogs are grumpy i apologise.
Please pray for me.
In the words of Freddy Mercury "I want to break free"
The last thing I want though is to become a judgemental ex smoker or anything like that. For me it is time to do this.
The worst that could happen is I fail and end up dying young of lung cancer.