Friday, October 06, 2006


This is a bit melancholy and a little mixed up but I hope you get it.

Deep down I know I shouldn't be, but I am occasionaly troubled by the thought of dying.

A number of reasons lay behind this, I think the major one is the fact that my own mother died, when I was 11. It disturbed me greatly. The thought of me dying young and leaving my children and wife is unsettling. I know it's all about trust, trusting God that he has everything under control. Fear beats my trust on occasions. Over the years the amount of time I spend pondering death has decreased although it still creeps up on me. After a great family time I can get robbed by thoughts. Thoughts of "I don't want this to end."

I think death can turn people into emotionally dysfunctional members of society. Thats what it did to me, it stopped me crying, made me harder and gave me fear. I am better now. For a chap I think I cry quite a lot. When all my uncles came over for my mums funeral one of them said the classic line "big boys don't cry". I remember at her funeral wanting to cry, which I guess is quite natural, so I went to the toilet and had a little blub. Now I cry at movies, in worship, during prayer and sometimes when I am talking about things that move me. I am softer now and also have less fear, i just get annoyed when it catches me off guard.

I have also become the funeral planner, I've planned my entire families funerals in my head! James Blunts "Goodbye my lover" would play at tracy's......... what a crap song.

My dad had told me that after 20 odd years he has got a headstone for my mothers grave, which gets installed next week. I guess this has sparked my thinking on the subject.

If you want to know how long you have got check out Death clock a great little website that helps you predict the day of your death. Don't take it seriously.

I had a dream once a few years back, my mum was standing on the other side of a river, this is the only dream I have ever had about her, she said to me "It's only a short walk Brian". When I woke up and after I dealt with the fact that the dream didn't mean I was going to die that day, I had a real peace about the whole death thing. It's only a short walk.

Final thoughts:

It takes as much faith to die as it does to live.

Psalm 23 says "Yea lo I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil". I like that; the shadow of death. Death is just a shadow for a shadow to exist there must be light on the other side.

And right now I am thinking "what if I die today, wouldn't this be a mad last post!!!!"


Carlos said...

Sunday, February 14, 2066

Not only do I die on a sunday, but I get to die on valentine's day. weak sauce.

Eric St.Clair said...

I was listening to Graham Cooke yesterday and he made a statement that made me think. He said " God and Satan had one common Goal and that was to Kill me. Satan like a Lion seeking to destroy me. God wanting to kill my flesh". What I realized over the past few years is that God knows dying is not easy so he lets us do it every day in installments. :-)

Billy Kennedy said...

April 8th, 2059. Wow - a lot longer than I thought. I'll be 97! What about your predicted date Brian?

Brian Heasley said...

November 7th 2035!!!!

I would be 65 and thats one day before Ellis birthday. I put in i was smoker and had high BMI. If I lost a stone and didn't smoke it would be 2043!!!

Anonymous said...

Thought you had quit smoking??

Anonymous said...

Don't be afraid of death
be afraid of the half lived life

dave wiggins said...

i must have done it wrong, apparently i died last week!

Carlos said...


Anonymous said...

dream as if you'll live forever,live as if you'll die today

Karen said...

Sheesh. Supposedly I'm living til 103. What if I don't want to live that long??? hmm...maybe i'll take up smoking..

jenelle said...

It could be the last blog before you die? Oh dear, now I'm really gonna have to think before I post. I just returned from a wake today. I didn't really know the kid, but he was my age, and I did have a short convo with him the day he died. So our fading-flower-ness is on my mind, too. I probably need to blog it out of my head. (BTW, Thanks for your comments on transparency and holiness.)