Friday, October 06, 2006
This is a bit melancholy and a little mixed up but I hope you get it.
Deep down I know I shouldn't be, but I am occasionaly troubled by the thought of dying.
A number of reasons lay behind this, I think the major one is the fact that my own mother died, when I was 11. It disturbed me greatly. The thought of me dying young and leaving my children and wife is unsettling. I know it's all about trust, trusting God that he has everything under control. Fear beats my trust on occasions. Over the years the amount of time I spend pondering death has decreased although it still creeps up on me. After a great family time I can get robbed by thoughts. Thoughts of "I don't want this to end."
I think death can turn people into emotionally dysfunctional members of society. Thats what it did to me, it stopped me crying, made me harder and gave me fear. I am better now. For a chap I think I cry quite a lot. When all my uncles came over for my mums funeral one of them said the classic line "big boys don't cry". I remember at her funeral wanting to cry, which I guess is quite natural, so I went to the toilet and had a little blub. Now I cry at movies, in worship, during prayer and sometimes when I am talking about things that move me. I am softer now and also have less fear, i just get annoyed when it catches me off guard.
I have also become the funeral planner, I've planned my entire families funerals in my head! James Blunts "Goodbye my lover" would play at tracy's......... what a crap song.
My dad had told me that after 20 odd years he has got a headstone for my mothers grave, which gets installed next week. I guess this has sparked my thinking on the subject.
If you want to know how long you have got check out Death clock a great little website that helps you predict the day of your death. Don't take it seriously.
I had a dream once a few years back, my mum was standing on the other side of a river, this is the only dream I have ever had about her, she said to me "It's only a short walk Brian". When I woke up and after I dealt with the fact that the dream didn't mean I was going to die that day, I had a real peace about the whole death thing. It's only a short walk.
It takes as much faith to die as it does to live.
Psalm 23 says "Yea lo I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil". I like that; the shadow of death. Death is just a shadow for a shadow to exist there must be light on the other side.
And right now I am thinking "what if I die today, wouldn't this be a mad last post!!!!"
at 7:52 AM