Monday, March 05, 2007

Drink this cup

Had weird day, spent some time with a friend then had a meeting with some parents, but in between that, I had a moment to go and pray in a beautiful catholic church.

I had an overwhelming sense of "if you abide in Me I will abide in you" as I knelt in a small alcove by the sacraments.

I started to dig deep with my continued up and down emotional battle.

I began to think about Jesus, and the whole concept of "take this cup from me", and "not my will but your will be done"

This may sound over dramatic and I have felt unsure about blogging this, but I feel my emotional, psychological battle has been about, the will. It's about me being submissive to Him.

What if this isn't 3, 5 or 7 years that I am meant to spend here, what if this is my life? Can I drink that cup?

What if this isn't about revival? What if it is just about kneeling here for the rest of my life and crying out to God for this culture? Can I drink that cup?

I have to be prepared to say, Yes Lord, but even at the back of my head, I think that could just be a test, surely He wouldn't expect me to give my whole life to this!?

Am I really prepared to drink this cup?

Have I submitted my will enough to His? This is my battle, I want to drink the cup.......

Is my head in two worlds? The present and the future...

I want to drink the cup? I really do, but I'm scared because the future isn't clear

I know there is joy set before me, but can I endure?

I'm looking at a statue of Jesus in the church, thinking "I hope so"


Kirk Bartha said...

The Thin Red Line

did he breathe life into the dirt beneath his fingertips

did he command armies from his knees

he bore our fall on his shoulders
he bore our sweat on his brow
exceedingly sorrowful
deeply troubled
sore amazed
very heavy
the hour
saying Abba Father
all things are possible
nevertheless what Thou wilt

having a baptism to be baptized with

no willful taking away of the cup from him

and there appeared an angel unto him from heaven

strengthening him into an agony to pray even more earnestly

lisa said...

"What if this isn't about revival? What if this is just about kneeling here for the rest of my life and crying out to God for this culture?"

This is really profound and beautifully stated. We tend to think that the initial going is the sacrifice and we picture in our minds what the result will be. Where the giving continues to take place and what the effect of such giving actually turns out to be is hidden from our view.

Thanks for the image of "kneeling here." I'm keeping that one.

Sheena said...

Man, can I relate to this one! The toughest question God ever asked me was in relation to His promises for Portland, the city I grew up in and love like no other place on earth. I was reading Hebrews 11 & 12, and while I was reading about the martyrs, and running with endurance toward the prize, God asked me if He could trust me to run the same way, as if I would hold His promises for my city in my hands, even if I never actually did.

dave wiggins said...

flip ...

Anonymous said...

I and my family were involved in cross cultural mission, but came home earlier than expected due to unforeseen events. For me that has been the 'cup' for the last 13 years. Longing to be back there, 'on the field'. I wonder if, no matter what God calls us to do, we have the tendency to want to be elsewhere, somewhere 'easier'.

Anyway I love reading your blog and I so appreciate your openness as you share the ups and downs of your journey.

Also I think it is very cool that your son wants to do what you do when he gets older! :-) That says a lot.


Boys Town said...

We're looking at Jesus, saying "I hope so" with you guys. Keep going; we're cheering you on!
~Kelly & Jo