Had weird day, spent some time with a friend then had a meeting with some parents, but in between that, I had a moment to go and pray in a beautiful catholic church.
I had an overwhelming sense of "if you abide in Me I will abide in you" as I knelt in a small alcove by the sacraments.
I started to dig deep with my continued up and down emotional battle.
I began to think about Jesus, and the whole concept of "take this cup from me", and "not my will but your will be done"
This may sound over dramatic and I have felt unsure about blogging this, but I feel my emotional, psychological battle has been about, the will. It's about me being submissive to Him.
What if this isn't 3, 5 or 7 years that I am meant to spend here, what if this is my life? Can I drink that cup?
What if this isn't about revival? What if it is just about kneeling here for the rest of my life and crying out to God for this culture? Can I drink that cup?
I have to be prepared to say, Yes Lord, but even at the back of my head, I think that could just be a test, surely He wouldn't expect me to give my whole life to this!?
Am I really prepared to drink this cup?
Have I submitted my will enough to His? This is my battle, I want to drink the cup.......
Is my head in two worlds? The present and the future...
I want to drink the cup? I really do, but I'm scared because the future isn't clear
I know there is joy set before me, but can I endure?
I'm looking at a statue of Jesus in the church, thinking "I hope so"