Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Venereal Christianity and Bonking Donkeys

We had some friends around the other night and I was telling them a few of my preaching bloopers, my friend Becky dared me to tell you:

At a youth meeting once I was talking about not wearing masks, and used an illustration about veneers on wood, different layers of fine wood that hide what is underneath, I found myself saying "We need to move away from venereal Christianity"

I was explaining to our church back in England that we were going to have a electronic rodeo bull at a barn dance, but I couldn't for the life of me remember what it was called and found myself saying "at our next church social we will have a bonking donkey" what was worse was that I mimed the actions of riding a rodeo bull whilst saying bonking donkey!

When speaking at a training event in Canada I was asked about holiness I said we modify our behaviour for the one we love, they were all young so I said "I don't blow off in bed because my wife finds it offensive". I then went on with this blowing off story for a few minutes but it means something slightly different in Canada. Eventually someone put there hand up and asked me to explain. If you blow off in the UK you pass wind!

I was speaking in front of 70 children after having some teeth removed, I had been on a liquid diet for 5 days. I needed to pass wind I did this discreetly but I followed through in a very big way, to the point were pooh ran into my socks, like a true professional I carried on to the end then waddled home.

I was being interviewed very early one morning, and was asked what kept me going in my life, I was tired and unguarded so without thinking and in a flippant manner I said "Red Bull, sometimes I think I need Red Bull more than I need the Holy Spirit!" of course just a joke and totally untrue but it got printed.

Be careful what you say, and what you eat before public speaking.


Karenkool said...

Oh, I so enjoyed this post--with tears streaming down my face.

A friend of mine was preaching one time about the church being a living organism but mistakenly said "living orgasm." It took a few minute before he realized.

I can't believe you carried on to the end with pooh all down your leg. HAHAH!

Jenelle said...

pooh in your socks?! oh!!! I. Am. Cackling. Out. Loud.

Brian Francis Hume said...

Oh my!!! Thank you for sharing your funny stories! I'll never be the same again! *grin*

lisa said...

ah brian, you do our hearts good.

gaylafriend said...

Oh... that just made my day!!!

Pastor Phil said...

Dude - you completely crack me up.