Thursday, June 18, 2009
Perspective on growth
It is so easy to lose perspective on who you are and what you do.
I think this last 6 months have been the toughest of my christian walk and I am only now feeling like I am crawling out of a hole. My perspective had become a little bit warped, my grace levels a little bit low. Living on the farm has been a real source of inner tension.
The lack of contact with the outside world due to not having a phone has left me feeling a little isolated, married to the fact that after 4 years of being here I have started to realise that it's easy to be busy but actually feel lonely. This in turn has led me to having a short temper and slightly angry disposition. I have barked at friends and once or twice been totally out of order. I have carried my own sense of unease with me into other meetings and allowed it affect how I operate.
We project! You're stressed in one area of life then you project that stress into another area of life, using a different situation to give vent to your feelings about a totally unrelated scenario.
Anyway balance is being restored, I feel slightly broken, but in a good way. I have been learning more about myself and am having edges knocked off me!
Growth is hard, but I feel like it is also preparatory for a new level of effectiveness.
I have become resigned; resigned to the fact that God is in control and I am not, I can't fix everything, actually I can fix very little. Possibly it's fear, fear is the opposite of trust, the opposite of faith, fear stops us growing. It's like I took my eyes of Jesus and started looking at the waves and then I started to sink.
I'm reaching out again, returning to the place of surrender, living with the reality that if life is going to work I have to trust the author of life.
It feels good, in a tired way, you know that feeling after a long days physical labour? you're tired but in a fulfilled way, well thats me.
I'm still growing, I think the minute we stop growing and start feeling we have arrived is the point where pride has taken over. I once heard and older man saying "there's nothing more for me to learn" that is pride. I don't want to be proud, I humbly submit to the fact that I am imperfect and need to grow, and humbly trust that my father in heaven will help me.