Friday, July 14, 2006

I am weak

I am sitting here outside having a cigar thinking about the phrase " I am weak". The cigar is one thing with the health implications and the fact i am a little paranoid about my health.

Probably due to the fact that my mother died of cancer when I was 11, although it was cancer of the womb and I haven't got one! She was a really lovely christian so I will see her again. I get annoyed with myself sometimes that I didn't take more notice of her when she was alive. I guess when you are young you just expect your mother to always be there so you don't run around cherishing all the precious moments, it jars me that on days I can't remember her face, although I have a photo. It has made me weak i guess i get worried more than normal if Tracy is ill, although she is a very healthy person. Occasionaly i have played out funeral scenarios about her and my boys in my head, i know this is wrong, but I am weak.

I had a few short spells in prison in my late teens nothing heavy just got in a bit of a muddle with an over use of drugs. Ended up getting taken to court for attempted robbery, violent disorder, theft and fraud. Sometimes i think this has made me weak not in a bad way just an awareness that we are all one temptation away from losing it. Which then makes me cross with judgementalism! is that a word? I still sleep with a pillow over my head because in prison it was the only way i could get to sleep, because the heroin addicts screamed all night as they came off drugs, and that was 16 years ago.

I think we are perfected in weakness.

Anyway that was then this is now, I am having a melancholy moment.

Wierd I am 36 and sometimes still miss my mum.

Don't want to be flippant about the above and quote a verse just to make you all feel better. But GOD IS GOOD. I choose to believe that.

Let the weak say I am strong.......


Carlos said...

awesome. the though times are the best experiences we'll have on this earth.

weak is so profound.


Don said...

I'm learning more and more like you said to "choose" to believe that God is good. Often it's a conscious effort and very hard work but well worth the effort!

Kirk Bartha said...

I have just been reading Nouwen's "The Inner Voice of Love". B, I love you more and more... and when I read your thoughts alongside Nouwen's and see that the thoughts seem to mesh somehow I share them.

Here is what I read from Nouwen today:

"You have to live through your pain gradually and thus deprive it of its power over you. Yes, you must go into the place of your pain, but only when you have gained some new ground. When you enter your pain simply to experience it in its rawness, it can pull you away from where you want to go.

What is your pain? It is the experience of not receiving what you most need. It is a place of emptiness where you feel sharply the absense of the love you most desire. To go back to that place is hard, because you are confronted there with your wounds as well as with your powerlessness to heal yourself. You are so afraid of that place that you think of it as a place of death. Your instinct for survival makes you run away and go looking for something else that can give you a sense of at-homeness, even though you know full well that it can't be found in the world."

Praying for you daily brother as you pave the gutters with kingdom gold.

Mark Dowds said...

Big lad.
I share your frailty. I think I have smoked way to may cigars in my life and am the same age as you. Late nights are the worst. Mind you, I haven't had a cigar this year yet. I think I have broken the "habit" as much as I denied it was for a long time. I wish the rest of my life was that clean...

Karen said...

i haven't had a chance to look at blogs was great to read this entry as my first read. interesting... you talking about weakness. I've been on the same thoughts. I'm using different words but it's the same train of thought. Hmm... nice to know that there's others pondering similar things.

miriam said...

I liked your post. I think, when you feel more weak, is when you look for your strenght in the Lord, when your dependence is stronger in Him.

I had the same experience than you: my dad died of cancer when I was 11. I´m 25 now and I still miss him

Jen said...

Been reading ur blog for a while and can share ur pain. My mum passed away of cancer just this christmas. I'm 25, i helped nurse her. It still hurts but sometimes having something like ur mum taken away makes u value her role all the more. Not sure where my mum is-she wasn't a christian as far as i know but God has given me a peace about that and he is good. Heading to Thailand for a month at the mo and would appreciate ur prayers. working with rahab ministries out there -who work with prostiutes- thinking of u. saw u at helix in emmanuel earlier this year, i was playing the guitar in the foyer after. blessings manxo