Monday, November 12, 2012
Are we there yet?
Sorry for the lack of blogging, life has felt so hectic since our return, I haven't found blogging easy. I guess it's because I want to be positive and feel if I am anything but positive I would be doing a God a disservice because of all the great things he has done for us. I try to focus on Him remembering that we have jobs, we have a home, we have health, we have each other, that is all true and all so good.
Underneath all of that I am still struggling with unease, I feel unsettled, I feel a bit lost, I feel a sense of loss!
My boys have become invisible immigrants, they look British, the speak accent-less English, they dress in an appropriate manner but inside they are this international mix of Spanish, English and they are struggling. If your children aren't happy thats not so good. You have the questions that run through your mind like "Have we screwed their lives up?". I am pretty sure we haven't but it is a tape that plays out in my head!
Then we are back in our old house, our old church and it feels odd. Church is great but it's not what we are used to and if I am honest I guess we are finding it a struggle to make friends, although we are not lonely! You see thats it right there, life is full of paradoxes!
Surrounded by loads of old friends and family, yet feel lonely!
In our home that we own, yet feel like visitors!
In the land that we originate from, yet feel like foreigners!
In a church we love, yet feel like outsiders!
Our rhythms have changed, maybe we were presumptuous to feel we would settle quickly. I know people tell you it will take a while and the mistake we have made is believing that once all the external factors are in place we will be settled.
But that is failure to recognise the internal displacement we feel right now!
Are we there yet? Externally yes, Internally no.
We are not depressed, if anything we do feel blessed. I am just trying to articulate the internal battle of resettlement!
Maybe I am guilty of this myself I often look at what is going on for people externally and assume they are all good, when the deeper questions are about what is going on on the inside.
Don't get me wrong people have been asking how we are doing? but we have defaulted to saying "fine" because we really don't want to seem gloomy and we also don't want to vulnerabate in front of everyone! but here I am blogging about it, so the truth is out.
We are not there yet, but we recognise that we are on a Journey and "God is with us on the journey" and we will get there, eventually.